Friday, April 25, 2014

a collection of favorite status updates

one thing about writing habitually is you observe very quickly where your faults are. for instance, i've noticed that every time i don't really know how to end a scene or conversation, one of the characters faints.
must be something in the water.

another writing habit observation: if there is a kitchen, that's where people are, because that's where coffee is.

what happens when you miss typing the s in the word doses?
little does of murder.
this is totally not photoshopped

writing is like cracking open one of those little plastic easter eggs that could have anything inside of it.
sometimes it's spiders.

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last i slept i dreamed i was eating cactus and praying over it first, so as to properly receive the gifts of cactus wisdom

last night i dreamed i dressed up as an ancient woods spirit to fool a mountain lion, became that spirit (who was apparently revered by humans and animals alike), hid a woman inside my soul, and fooled her husband into thinking i'd turned her into a pea and that he could only get her back if he added more peas to the bowl before this one shriveled.

i dreamed last night that a "safe word" was a type of car

when a group of ninjas come to your house to arrest you for possession of marijuana, it's always good to have Robin Williams as your lawyer.

what involves riding in a helicopter, kyle shopping naked, and life cereal flavored "czechoslovakian blueberry"? me sleeping til 4 pm.

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any empath would be freaked the fuck out by my knitting

someday the world will need my skill of dancing silently in small enclosed spaces. this is what reading fantasy novels has taught me.

they say not to put all your eggs in one basket. my problem is that i always seem to be collecting baskets. i'm like a case for the containing of baskets . . .

the great thing about flipping a coin to make a decision is: if it lands the way you want it to, you get to be like "oh, thank the powers that be for this divine confirmation of what i must do." and if it lands the way you don't want it to, you get to be like "i no longer have faith in your guidance, coin. it's time for a revolution." either way, you're getting that second cup of coffee.

crazy isn't sitting around for hours talking to yourself. crazy is sitting around for hours talking to yourself with your phone to your ear just in case anyone might have put hidden cameras in your apartment.

it's hard to resist the temptation to post a paper on the fridge at work that says:
Remember, everyone, this week it's hairshirt friday! Be sure to pay your dollar in advance.