Sunday, April 24, 2011

dreams: a recurring mysterious soul mate/guide

(5.4.10)

i don't remember much of the setting, besides the tower. i don't remember what we had set out to do or why or who was watching.

but i remember hearing "dirty mind" by The Miller Stain Limit. and i remember that the sand in my shoes somehow symbolized a feeling of dependence on you, and when i shook the sand out, everything was harder.

let me try to put these things in order:

i climbed to the top of a tower, flawlessly, effortlessly. on the top was a different plane. i was walking up the grassy slope at trout lake with someone. with each step i became more aware of the sand in my shoes. the amount may have been steadily increasing.

as i took off the shoes to shake the sand out, i realized the sand was my feelings of needing you. i worried for a moment about what shaking it out might do, but did it anyway.

instantly i noticed that there was no arch support in my shoes. the sand had provided a nice cushiness that made it easier to walk. oh well, no matter. i'd get used to walking without it sooner or later.

but when i approached the tower i felt my first sense of fear. suddenly it occured to me that the tower was really high and if i slipped i could die. and i worried because i knew the bars of the ladder would feel different without the sand in my shoes.

(this is the part where it gets confusing)

somehow, climbing up or down this tower was a part of some built in connection between us. the ladder didn't quite go close enough to the ground to let us fall without getting hurt, or reach it on our own to climb up. whenever one of us was climbing the tower, no matter where the other person was, part of your/my soul was there to make up for the missing segment of ladder.

i climbed down first, and i felt guilty at the bottom, where i was clinging to you to make my way down the last few feet before i could safely drop. i worried that i might be hurting you, and i always thought that maybe i should let go sooner, and risk personal injury, to keep you from pain. but i always consoled myself by acknowledging that i provided the same service to you and it never seemed to do me any harm.

(and here it gets weird)

as i started climbing down the tower, "dirty mind" by The Miller Stain Limit started playing (my absolute favorite song, which i've always wanted to make a video for). as i was climbing down this tower, i was being watched by the people on the ground below, and also being filmed as a music video for this song.

when it was your turn to climb down, you did something at the top of the tower that made video footage of you as a little kid going around destroying things replace the view of your climbing. i didn't know how you'd done this. i was quite impressed and worried that you'd be disappointed in me for not having thought of something like that.

as everyone watched and enjoyed your video, i looked forward to the moment you'd join me at the bottom of the tower. i looked forward to seeing you again, because i'd apparently missed you. and i looked forward to the others seeing what an interesting person i was connected to, when they saw us together and realized you were the guy who made the video.

but i also feared our time was coming to and end. it was a fear i knew i wouldn't have thought to have had i not removed the sand from my shoes. but it was a fear i was glad to have, because it only seemed fair. it would have been selfish to stay dependent on you once i realized that i was.

so i knew i did not need you nor you me. and i worried about the pain i might have caused you in the climb. and i realized that if you were disappointed in my lack of creativity when the video started being made, it was only because you deserved someone better.

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