Thursday, April 7, 2011

dreams: just an hour or two

i was in the hospital after some kind of accident. even though i felt fine, the nurse told me i had only an hour or two left to live. my heart was permanently damaged and apparently no longer pumping blood to the rest of my body. the nurse did some little procedure which involved tapping by my ear to show me that i still had a heartbeat but no longer had a pulse.

then she said that this condition would be turning painful in a matter of seconds and gave me some cyanide pills, which i took immediately. i still didn't die right away though.

i ended up getting released from the hospital to see people before i died. i ended up at my grandparents' house where there were a whole bunch of people gathered. "i should have shown more concern for them in my life," i thought, "look how many people are here who care that i'm dying." but it turned out they were gathered for some other reason and had no idea i was dying, and i didn't much feel like telling them.

then i ended up here with the current roomies. as i wandered around the house thinking about my life, i passed C@ and asked her where i should go to die when it was finally time for my body to stop moving. i didn't want to make a mess in her house. i wanted removal of my body to be fairly quick and easy. she told me it would be okay to die in the bathroom.

throughout this dream, i kept thinking of all the things i wished i would have done and all the things i wished i would have said to people. i was accepting of the fact that i was going to die, but i still considered the end of my life as a serious loss of human potential. near the end of the dream, i was wishing for a second chance, some glitch in time or reality, anything. i told myself that if i got a second chance, i'd say all the things i'd wished i'd said to people and do as many of the things i'd wished i'd done as possible.

so when i woke up in bed, it took a moment for me to realize i wasn't dying, and my first thought was "this is my second chance."

(original post: 9.15.10 on blogger)

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