Tuesday, March 8, 2011

autobiography of a poet (kinda like a poem, but really long)

you can flush the system with alcohol
words always mean more in the summer
when doubt gets caught in the screen
the words of thought drowned out by the fan
phrases lingering at the tip of thought
waiting to cascade down the mind to the tongue
embark on their journeys into the world
meandering and flashing and twisting

"i thought i'd feel different"
the words that follow
every one of life's major disappointments
every forbidden thing tried for the first time
drugs, alcohol, sex
things to write about looking back
things to romanticize looking back
though at the time we barely blinked
and it was on to the next new thing

i haven't found anything to want here yet
in Michigan it was easy - a cabin by the water
somewhere to smoke and read and drink and write
a lakeside window to tell all my secrets to
and i could imagine the lake was the ocean
and dream up stories of selkies and mermaids
and imagine myself one, as i lounged on the rocks
calling you to my world
to the death of yours
and i would always be safe
as long as i remembered to occasionally bring copper for Mishipeshu
and you would always be safe, too, safe with me

in Tucson it was different, chaotic, the beauty of destruction
turning myself over and over, trying to find the best face to show
i wanted a shack in the desert
something to call mine
somewhere no-one else was likely to come
a place to hide with my whiskey
get a gun like a cowboy
or maybe a sword
and dream up desert warriors, fighting lions in the Sahara
or running with lions
or becoming a lion

human situations are consistent
and so are human needs
if only i could find the pattern of my own
what makes me happy
what makes me real
what makes me think that i'm in love with a person, place, or thing

human situations are consistent
all this is great, but
i need something only i can figure out

the other day
my perfect daydream companion and i
were off wandering and
i felt euphoria on the highway
cities and scenery and signs and vehicles and . . .
if you want to know the truth
i was never happier
than when i drove from tucson to ann arbor alone

so i find myself next to the ocean
but a mermaid i've yet to meet
and i miss the signs of journey
the freighters i could imagine riding away on
and i miss the desert, the dust on my feet
so much beauty here i've yet to fall for
i guess that's just it
what keeps me here
that the discovery is yet to be made
the beauty yet to be found
the daydreams yet to be internalized

springtime adventuring

saturday we went out adventuring the nearby roads. Hallucination remembered there was one called Painted Cave road and figured it stood to reason there might be a painted cave somewhere on that road. and, sure enough:

it was a nice road to take. the drive consisted of spiraling up and then back down the peak of a mountain, providing for some nice views of the santa barbara area and surrounding mountains:

sunday, we ventured to Ventura county and visited a beach park in Oxnard:

all in all, it was another great weekend filled with coffee, bookstores, and mayhem. ^_^

Monday, March 7, 2011

dreams: a spirit fish and an undead cat

i was at my parent's house watching tv and a show came on in which David Usher was guest staring. i watched the whole opening in awe, as it was a monologue by him explaining what the episode would be about, then searched franticly around for a vhs to shove in the vcr during the first commercial break.

for some reason, they chose him to play a native american guy. the show was about people connected to the spirit world, specifically those who could help the spirits of those passed reach their next destination. his character was some kind of psychopomp, and he explained how those who've recently died, though now a part of the spirit world, were too young to know where to go.

one sign that a person had the ability to connect with the spirit world was the ability to see beings (usually animals) in places where they aren't. for instance (and here i was apparently part of the story) i was walking through a parking lot and saw a fish in a mud puddle too shallow for any fish to really be there.

i reached down to see if i could touch this spirit fish, and it tried to bite me.

anyway, the vhs i'd put in ran out of tape before the show was over, and so all i had recorded was the middle chunk. i was too distracted looking for another tape to see how it ended.

- - -

another dream was about my cat Hunter being dead. except she was more like undead. she was just sitting there not moving, and that's how we knew she was dead, but when i tried to pick her up and set her on a cushion, she started walking around.

i went through the room looking for things for her to lay on, random pillows, blankets, etc, and offering them to her, but she refused everything. i felt so useless, as i had no idea what to offer a dead cat to sleep on. eventually she walked away, and i was worried i might never see her again, as she was dead afterall.

- - -

Hallucination's dreams were also pretty friggin cool, and i'd document what he told me, but you can't really write down someone else's dreams without missing some key factors, i would think.